Fear

What is Fear?

For me fear is the unknown. 

Fear is everywhere and no where at the same time.

"Fear is debilitating, terrifying, and exhilarating."

Fear is ALWAYS a constant threat. 

However it is not what you fear, but how you perceive it

My biggest fear is the future.. 

                      Where will I be? 

                                  Who will I be?

How do I use my fear?

I may not know what the future has in store for me.. or if I even have one... but I do know that by striving for a better today I will create a better tomorrow. I use my fear to drive me to follow and accomplish my never-ending dreams and aspirations. With this drive I know I can and will accomplish anything.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams"- Eleanor Roosevelt 

~My desire is GREATER than my fear~

What can be

 "Imagination alone offers me some intimation of what can be"
Quoted from Andre Bretons "First Manifesto of Realism"

"Imaginarium" by Igor Morski (Surrealist painting)

What can be? This question has always plagued me since I came across this quote while reading Bretons work aboard that plane.

I find myself stuck in what has been instead of looking towards what can become..

My imagination is vast and filled with lots of possibilities of where my life will take me, but it is always my past in which haunts these dreams. Escaping and physically coming to Hawaii was easy. It has been the mental escape in which troubles me.

<Nothing is gone until you say it is>

Boarding the plane from my hometown, I watched through the cabin windows as the distinctive features of this familiar city slipped from my view. Although my hometown was plagued with the nightmares of my childhood, it was also filled with the memories of a life here...

 The weekend trips to the woods with friends

The hot tea sipping days at the rainy beach

The Art I always admired covering the city walls

The countless hours spent overlooking the windy hour when I needed an escape

Taken from "Brook no Boundary"

The leaving was sad but the possibility of new beginnings was freeing. 

What can be? 

Once I officially let go of the what has been I can let my imagination take off...

Exploring into the unknown

This is not an ending. 

(Time to say farewell)  

Reflect

"In the pursuit of happiness, one searches for ultimate meaning in that which they love."

The pursuit of happiness…  One is always searching and trying to reach that highest point. Trying to find that area where bliss meets optimism. In order to find this one does have to reflect on ones past. They must be taken to that moment of nostalgia, take to that one moment in time they remember so perfectly.

            A moment I can remember was the summer I spent living with my grandmother. I was in her library one day and remember picking up the book Nadja. I spent my whole day lounging on the couch reading; I can still smell the chocolate chip cookies in which my grandmother was baking. While reading I was intrigued by the ideas of Surrealism that were present in Nadja. This led to my grandmother and I researching all kinds of surrealist art. We also became immersed in the idea of surrealism in cinema, leading to us embarking on a three-day movie marathon. My moment of happiness involves me escaping into the surrealist world while watching movies and eating cookies at my grandmother’s house.

Natural Born Killers - Surrealism in Cinema

While on the search for this happiness, one must reflect on the past. 

One must find a moment in which you were truly happy. 

Once you can reflect, like film, you can recreate history in the way YOU want it. 

You can recreate a moment and live in it forever… as if it were a dream.  

Down time

http://theamericannightmare2013.blogspot.com
I am now on day 3 of my new life in Maui, Hawaii. Aside from my adventurous cliff driving excursion, my time here has consisted of me laying on the beach, reading, and running. The atmosphere is so relaxing and refreshing and the view here is breathtaking. It is summer so I won't enter my first semester of college until the fall. The down time I have here is nice but gives me way too much time to think about my mom. My mother was originally born in Russia but moved here as a young child with just her grandmother. She used to tell me it was to get away from the treacherous streets of Russia and the constant risk of succumbing to the drug related lifestyle that is common there. I was told she had two older sisters that remained there, and from what I gathered they both suffered from severe addictive lifestyles. Its ironic however, that my mom left those conditions in Russia only to find her true addiction here, alcohol. As far as I can remember the most constant thing in her life has been alcohol. Jobs and men came and went, but the bottle always remained as did the countless nights I would find her passed out on the floor of her bedroom, bottle empty beside her. Raising myself and caring for her was never easy. There were times she'd remain in bed for days and others where she wouldn't come home. Despite all of this I always loved my mother and thought this was the only way to live. Leaving her was the hardest but I knew getting away from her toxic ways was better than eventually becoming addicted to the poison myself.

Poison

Free

Standing on the cliff overlooking the Pacific, the crisp breeze blows tresses of my hair around my face. The smell of salt water fills my lungs, and the sounds of the waves crashing into the rocks below capture me.  The ocean and air here are different, as am I. I stand open and free ready to embrace the new landscape and path before me. Leaving everything physical behind was hard, but now leaving everything else here is even harder. The Hawaii sky above is blue and never-ending; the faint view of the mountainous terrain encapsulates the horizon. I cannot tell you what lies before me but I do know that it is better than what I’ve decided to leave behind. Like the water below I am a current ready to be pulled in any direction, like the sky above I am exposed, and like the salty air blowing around I am finally free.  Thousands of miles away and thousands of heartbeats later I am here ready to finally begin living. Standing here in my bathing suit and sundress, goose bumps covering my entire body, both from the wind and fear. Taking in the view one last time, I close my eyes removing my dress, take a deep breath and jump from the cliff. Jumping into the unknown.